I Express, I Reblog, I Agree.
How much it would make me hate you.
After all these, plus the incident today,
I’m 99% sure that she isn’t reading this site anymore
And she doesn’t want to.
It hurts me.
It hurts me so bad.
Even after all these things.
Mean yes to moving on. Yes having to let go.
But don’t I mean a single thing at all?
Don’t I freaking mean a single thing?
How could anyone just do such a thing at ease?
Especially when you are leaving soon.
YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I WILL WANT TO SEND YOU OFD
YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I WOULD MISS YOU.
YOU KNOW HOW MUCH YOU MEAN TO ME
SO WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?
Who are you to do this to me.
Why do I even love you and respect you so much.
Why do you stoop so low?
No. The person that I knew would never do this.
The person that I know would have done all other ways and means.
But. Not. This.
I want to confront you about this
But I don’t want to ruin the whole thing.
“Even if it means to put the relationship on the line”
Our relationship is already at the cliff.
One wrong move, and I could say bye.
Or perhaps I already am.
I already have lost it. She just have to make it clearer to me even more.
I just want to forget about today.
Forget about everything.
And focus what’s right, what’s God.
And just forget that she’ll ever be back in my life
Forget that she was once so dear.
Forget all the things were from her.
Forget her altogether just like how everything of me would want to.
Like how she wanted it.
Just don’t, make me find you in real life.
Just, forget, and don’t ponder about it.
It’s been a long while, since I had time to even think about things in this way
And the busier I get and preoccupied about the daily events,
the more I want to sit myself down and think about things - which I unknowingly do.
So here I am.
With all honesty, I don’t recall sitting down doing this calmly,
to recall these memories without crying, without grieving, without resentment
but just simply letting these memories run in my head.
It’s like the heart no longer cries out as much, even though it does feel.
Maybe time, really heals
But I’m afraid to forget her.
It’s a strange thing. I know I chose to let her go.
So that now, she is able to live her own life
to be in isolation from everyone.
But i realised that i’m starting to lose her,
in a way that has been easier, but subtlely.
Yes I still get affected if anyone mentions her name. But I’m on the verge of forgetting how she looks like, how tall she is, how loving she is, what colour specs she wears, how she always jokes around, being playfully childish when she can choose not to be, how she cries (though I rarely see her cry), how she would randomly poke me even when it’s not her style of things, the touch when she hugs me.
I’m on the verge of forgetting the sound of her voice, her laughter, her serious tone, even her angry tone.
These feelings are real,
But I don’t know how to let anyone know, without being judged,
without being looked down upon
without people trying to giving advice anymore.
and in the end, The tears that I thought won’t come,
they found their way back.
At this rate, I’ll probably forget the memories we had, forget who she is, forget her name. and even the things she give.
If it had been her, she would have been more persistence,
because she can tell whenever I’m actually lying to her that I’m okay.
Yes, I miss her. I miss her so badly.
But I know that this “distancing”, this loss of contact with each other,
is a form of consideration towards her.
It is giving her the space that she needs.
It is helping her if I wish for her to heal and recover.
It is wishing her well for her next journey of life.
It is what she wanted.
And for the reason that she is not replying to my messages on purpose,
just like the last time where she was angry for 3 months, but with a different emotion now.
Perhaps I should just get out of her life,
and Perhaps, I should just don’t bother and forget about it.
but how could forget someone who did so much for me?
or was it all just a dream,
and that by now, I should wake up to it?
I have been thinking about her lately as usual
Just that this time, it wasn’t all negative like how it used to be, yet it’s not all positive like the recent weeks.
I’m reminded once again of the words she’ll tell me about how she wants space
And how it’s good to give people space etc. Sometimes I resent her for that, for I don’t understand. On other days, I try my very best.
Today is one of those opposite days, that I rant about how she isn’t here for me anymore, yet I’ll give her space hoping that maybe, one day she’ll come back in my life.
and if I ever happen to bump into her, I imagine myself how I’ll actually run away and pretend that I don’t know her. Reason being? To give her the space that she always wanted.
She is one person that loves, and it’s not that she don’t like people being sticky - but she adores freedom. She doesn’t want anyone to depend on her, or be tied down by anyone ( I don’t think even God can tie her down but she doesn’t realise that), so I guess I can never imagine what will happen if she has a husband and her husband gets too dependent on her HAHAHAH.
Jokes aside, I realised that sometimes she doesn’t mean the words in the way she say it but she says it cos it’s for my own good.
That includes the element of space. Physically and emotionally.
And until at this point of time, I’m learning. Idk. Most of me has practically given up hope, but my heart has believed ( hopelessly actually), and it refuses to give up just like that.
I mean who would when you know and felt the love of someone who has love you in such a way, be it God, or your friends, or family etc.
How could a stranger ever love you in such a way? Only a friend would. Only a lover would. Only someone who wants to be your friend/lover would.
And because I’m starting to understand that, I’ll learn to give her the space that she’s due.
Even when she doesn’t need me in her life.
I’ll await her return, and welcome her with open arms.
Even when my mind and heart resents her. Hahaha I can just imagine having both reactions. Rejecting her yet welcoming her with open arms. But I believe that I’ll do the latter more even when I wanna be selfish and do the former. HAHAHAHA.
"I can never understand that no matter how much I love someone, it is nothing compared to the amount that they love me. I don’t deserve the love that they give me"
And that’s how God loves as well. That’s How He does. He loves you effortlessly.
Cos you’re wonderful, and I love you.
I guess I’ve lost it throughout the months.
Looking at my friend’s sister right now as part of opening up and stuff brings me back to the beginning.
It was quite funny, and interesting. It made me look back and laugh.
I remember it all started when me and my friend was just talking to her sister about having a mentor and starting a mentoring relationship (don’t get the wrong idea please)
And like how I was sharing that it did benefit me ( though it isn’t happening or being continued now), how it changed me, mould me, and benefitted me in learning to grow.
And throughout this time, her building mentor was trying to show concern in the ways that she could, ( yes by pouring out the love in words - maybe it’s a trend hahaha strangely) and also in actions.
And she was sharing a little about how weird it felt because suddenly like there were words and actions coming from someone she wasn’t very familiar with, and from an adult.
I recalled the same awkwardness and I laughed it off, for it was the same exact experience when my mentoring relationship barely started with the shifu. I felt a little bit weird and awkward because we were cold towards each other for a while. And there she tries to like build up the relationship and stuff. And I was like “oh… Er.. Okay…?” Kind of thing.
And yes, coming from an adult. But I guess that’s the difference, I didn’t mind if it’s an adult less than 10 years of diff. It’s a weird thing about me and my mentality I guess. But that’s me by nature, probably cos I wanted someone to take care of me like a sister.
And so I told my friend’s sister that it was alright how this awkwardness is. It’s only the beginning. And as she shares, I find the whole thing just so childlike and just so amazing.
The beginning days were just so, precious. Just like how an early years of any human being is important. Each and every single step a baby makes is precious and significant.
And wow, I can’t imagine we actually lost that in a while like ours.
Sure that I didn’t treasure the shifu enough.
But I have faith that one day, things will be like how it was in the beginning.
That childlike innocence.
The kind of love that she gave. The kind of love that would be given to my friend’s sister. Different people, same kind of love. His love.
but I guess I never will
And I don’t want to.
I don’t want to get myself all over this again.
And I believe
He has a greater plan.
You prob just don’t love me enough to… Give in.
Yes, I could never comprehend.
I don’t expect reciprocation.
But I don’t know how she feels.
Not that It matters anymore, but it’s just a moment of thought.
From the beginning of time until now, nothing I did actually reveals how she feel, until I ask her about it.
Yet she goes on showing appreciation to others like nobody’s business.
Sometimes I do wonder what I meant to her.
I didn’t say she didn’t.
It happened only once, or maybe twice
And other times I had to ask her how she felt about the stuff I did/gave to her etc.
But I know,
She’s not the kind to put her heart on her sleeve. Especially after her life experience ( which I only know half her story. I never knew the actual one because I know she never likes talking about it. Never)
But I’ve gotten used to it
And I will.
Cos between the both of us,
I’m always the more sentimental and emotional one.