I Express, I Reblog, I Agree.
I have been thinking about her lately as usual
Just that this time, it wasn’t all negative like how it used to be, yet it’s not all positive like the recent weeks.
I’m reminded once again of the words she’ll tell me about how she wants space
And how it’s good to give people space etc. Sometimes I resent her for that, for I don’t understand. On other days, I try my very best.
Today is one of those opposite days, that I rant about how she isn’t here for me anymore, yet I’ll give her space hoping that maybe, one day she’ll come back in my life.
and if I ever happen to bump into her, I imagine myself how I’ll actually run away and pretend that I don’t know her. Reason being? To give her the space that she always wanted.
She is one person that loves, and it’s not that she don’t like people being sticky - but she adores freedom. She doesn’t want anyone to depend on her, or be tied down by anyone ( I don’t think even God can tie her down but she doesn’t realise that), so I guess I can never imagine what will happen if she has a husband and her husband gets too dependent on her HAHAHAH.
Jokes aside, I realised that sometimes she doesn’t mean the words in the way she say it but she says it cos it’s for my own good.
That includes the element of space. Physically and emotionally.
And until at this point of time, I’m learning. Idk. Most of me has practically given up hope, but my heart has believed ( hopelessly actually), and it refuses to give up just like that.
I mean who would when you know and felt the love of someone who has love you in such a way, be it God, or your friends, or family etc.
How could a stranger ever love you in such a way? Only a friend would. Only a lover would. Only someone who wants to be your friend/lover would.
And because I’m starting to understand that, I’ll learn to give her the space that she’s due.
Even when she doesn’t need me in her life.
I’ll await her return, and welcome her with open arms.
Even when my mind and heart resents her. Hahaha I can just imagine having both reactions. Rejecting her yet welcoming her with open arms. But I believe that I’ll do the latter more even when I wanna be selfish and do the former. HAHAHAHA.
"I can never understand that no matter how much I love someone, it is nothing compared to the amount that they love me. I don’t deserve the love that they give me"
And that’s how God loves as well. That’s How He does. He loves you effortlessly.
Cos you’re wonderful, and I love you.
I guess I’ve lost it throughout the months.
Looking at my friend’s sister right now as part of opening up and stuff brings me back to the beginning.
It was quite funny, and interesting. It made me look back and laugh.
I remember it all started when me and my friend was just talking to her sister about having a mentor and starting a mentoring relationship (don’t get the wrong idea please)
And like how I was sharing that it did benefit me ( though it isn’t happening or being continued now), how it changed me, mould me, and benefitted me in learning to grow.
And throughout this time, her building mentor was trying to show concern in the ways that she could, ( yes by pouring out the love in words - maybe it’s a trend hahaha strangely) and also in actions.
And she was sharing a little about how weird it felt because suddenly like there were words and actions coming from someone she wasn’t very familiar with, and from an adult.
I recalled the same awkwardness and I laughed it off, for it was the same exact experience when my mentoring relationship barely started with the shifu. I felt a little bit weird and awkward because we were cold towards each other for a while. And there she tries to like build up the relationship and stuff. And I was like “oh… Er.. Okay…?” Kind of thing.
And yes, coming from an adult. But I guess that’s the difference, I didn’t mind if it’s an adult less than 10 years of diff. It’s a weird thing about me and my mentality I guess. But that’s me by nature, probably cos I wanted someone to take care of me like a sister.
And so I told my friend’s sister that it was alright how this awkwardness is. It’s only the beginning. And as she shares, I find the whole thing just so childlike and just so amazing.
The beginning days were just so, precious. Just like how an early years of any human being is important. Each and every single step a baby makes is precious and significant.
And wow, I can’t imagine we actually lost that in a while like ours.
Sure that I didn’t treasure the shifu enough.
But I have faith that one day, things will be like how it was in the beginning.
That childlike innocence.
The kind of love that she gave. The kind of love that would be given to my friend’s sister. Different people, same kind of love. His love.
but I guess I never will
And I don’t want to.
I don’t want to get myself all over this again.
And I believe
He has a greater plan.
You prob just don’t love me enough to… Give in.
Yes, I could never comprehend.
I don’t expect reciprocation.
But I don’t know how she feels.
Not that It matters anymore, but it’s just a moment of thought.
From the beginning of time until now, nothing I did actually reveals how she feel, until I ask her about it.
Yet she goes on showing appreciation to others like nobody’s business.
Sometimes I do wonder what I meant to her.
I didn’t say she didn’t.
It happened only once, or maybe twice
And other times I had to ask her how she felt about the stuff I did/gave to her etc.
But I know,
She’s not the kind to put her heart on her sleeve. Especially after her life experience ( which I only know half her story. I never knew the actual one because I know she never likes talking about it. Never)
But I’ve gotten used to it
And I will.
Cos between the both of us,
I’m always the more sentimental and emotional one.
when you’re feeling low and you want to give up on everything you’ve been working for, keep going. when you feel like you’re too weak to keep up the fight for positivity, keep going. when you feel so lost and you’re tempted to stay put right where you are, keep going.
you have to keep on trying, even when the trying gets tough. God is right there reaching out his hand to you - are you going to grab hold of it? the journey you’re going through may be rough, but the God of the universe is right next to you holding your hand through it all. will you grab hold of Him, like He is you? keep going.
Hong Kong Disneyland Fireworks